So I’m sitting here on a Saturday morning in my bed and it just hit me to write something that’s important about having mentors and coaches.
Actually this is something I haven’t seen anyone really talk about when it comes to having a mentor or coach (m/c).
Over the years I’ve had many mentors and coaches. Some great mentors, some not so great.
And I want to share an experience I had with one one that wasn’t so good because it will be helpful if you’re looking for one (m/c) for yourself.
Many years ago I had found a mentor that I went to for help with my business. I was young, I was starting out in business, I was eager, and new to it all.
So I did a lot of stupid shit.
And my mentor called me out on it… CONSTANTLY!!!!
Which she had every right to do and I deserved. At first it helped quite a bit, and allowed me to get some clarity, and move forward with things.
But eventually as I worked with this mentor I started to notice something.
I started to notice that she always called me out on something. Even if there wasn’t a reason for it. I also noticed she was calling out her other clients a lot of times for things that didn’t need to be called out on.
I know this because I was friends with some of her other clients and they would tell me privately.
But since I was young and naive I stuck it out with this mentor and believed she had my best interests at heart.
Fast forward about a year…
I was fucking depressed…
Business was worse… actually almost non-existent.
I had a deep personal relationship that fell apart…
My identity was gone.
And I was more lost than when I started working with this mentor.
Now I’ll be the first to admit, this was my doing, and I allowed all this to happen to me.
So I take responsibility for the outcome. This was not her fault. It was 100% mine.
But day in, day out, week in, week out… I allowed myself to be broken down at every level. And since my mindset and identity was off, things only got worse.
Now a good m/c would have noticed and worked on these. But that wasn’t the case in this situation. I believe the mentor didn’t really know how to handle mindset and identity issues. Just the surface level stuff.
So she got more frustrated with me as time went on. The more frustrated she got with me the harsher she got. Because calling people out on their bullshit is what she was good at.
But most times it escalated to more than that because I wasn’t improving like she expected, and she didn’t know how to handle it.
In looking back a lot of the harsh things she said were spot on, and true. They were very helpful then and still are today.
But at the same time a lot of the things she said were also straight up dick comments.
Now I’m sure some of you reading this will thing that I was being some sort of little baby, or that I got butt hurt during that time
To be honest…
For a small part of it I did. I wasn’t in the right frame of mind, so I let a lot of it get to me.
It got to the point where I actually ended up having my family and close friends begging me to stop working with this person.
They saw what was happening, and who I was turning into. They saw how I was towards them. And they were very concerned.
They were constantly telling me to stop working with this person. But I really believed this person had my best interests at heart.
I allowed myself to get so fucked up by this mentor that every part of my life was worse than where it was when I started with her.
Now how backwards is that?
I spent money on a mentor to better my life, and I end up being way worse off.
Now you could say this mentor brought out a lot of deep crap I needed to work on with myself (and yes he did), but it wasn’t that.
It was how I allowed myself to be treated by this former mentor that eventually messed a lot of things up.
It took the intervention of a lot of friends, family, and telling myself the truth to finally let this mentor go.
Despite all the shit I allowed myself to get into, it was a very difficult decision for me to leave this mentor. And it took way longer to walk away then it should have.
Now I don’t blame her at all, it was my fault for not doing my homework and knowing who I was getting into bed with. And it was also my fault because I allowed myself to keep going in an unhealthy situation. She did the best that she could with me based on what she knew and who she was. It just wasn’t right for either of us. So eventually I had to walk away.
As personal of a story as this is, and not a fun one to share with you…
I felt it was important to share.
Why Is This Important To Share?
That’s because no one talks about mentors/coaches (mc’s) actually doing more harm than good. Everyone talks about how important it is to have one to help you get where you want to go.
And I do agree with that and having them. They are crucial for growth and success. But I feel it’s so important to really know who you are getting into bed with.
Now I don’t know if I’m the only one who has been that messed up by a coach or a mentor, but I’m pretty sure I’m not.
So it’s important that you don’t end up in a similar situation, or with a person like that. Which by the way I like to call…
AM/AC – Awful mentors/ Awful coaches
Now this post was not intended to bash this former mentor. In fact she’s changed tons of lives, and I respect what she’s done for herself and others. And she changed mine as well. I wouldn’t be writing this or been aware of this if it wasn’t for her.
But the people who really succeeded with her, were actually just like her. Same personality and mentality. So to me it makes sense that those people would be more likely to succeed with her.
My personality was very different from hers and maybe that was part of the reason I didn’t work well with her. And possibly part of the reason I was treated the way I was.
So i’ve found out that when looking for a coach or mentor it’s important to see if that person is similar to you. Similar in their personality, their mentality, and a similar type of identity.
If they are successful and you are similar to them, then your chances of bettering yourself and your life are much greater than if you just hire a m/c based on the results they’ve had or what you’ve heard about them.
Obviously you want a mentor/ coach (m/c) who can get you results, but it’s just as important to find one who you resonate and connect with on a deeper level.
I actually feel that sometimes that’s even more important.
Because they understand what will actually work with you, instead of just telling you to do A,B & C.
Since they operate in a similar fashion to you, it makes working with them easier, and results will come faster.
That doesn’t mean they won’t tell you the truth or sometimes be harsh on you…
It just means that they know how you operate. Since they operate on a very similar fashion to you they will know what to do to move you forward.
Think of it this way…
Having a mentor/ coach is a lot like dating. You are both investing time and energy and will get to know each other on a more personal level.
So why end up with a coach or mentor that is nothing like you, and you don’t connect with?
It’s like being in a relationship with a person who is the exact opposite from you. Yeah it’s fun, challenging, and different at first, but down the road you end up unhappy, constantly stress each other out, and disagree all the time.
A lot of people may not agree with me that it’s important to find a coach you resonate with on a deeper level. They feel it’s all about just moving things forward. But from my experience and speaking with a lot of entrepreneurs over the years, the ones who grow and move forward the fastest are the one’s who are very similar to their m/c’s, and connect with them a deeper level with them.
But finding a m/c who is similar to you can sometimes be hard. That’s why I feel it’s important to make sure you speak with them and get to know them a bit. Not just look at their marketing. Because anyone can resonate with the marketing message, but that doesn’t guarantee you the person will be right for you.
So sometimes finding the right m/c can be a challenge.
Especially if the m/c is a more heart based mentor/ coach (hbm). That’s because many of the m/c’s who are heart based often don’t market or promote themselves as much as the… awful mentors (Am).
Heart based mentors/coaches come from a different place, a different state of mind.
So it takes a little digging to find them.
But they are out there.
On the other hand if you are in a m/c relationship right now, and are not happy with that person or feel they are more of a dhm then maybe it’s time to pull the plug working with them.
I’ve spoken to a bunch of entrepreneurs who are in this situation.
And do you know the main reason why they stay with that m/c?
Because of the money they invested with them.
They invested the money with the mentor to help them, so they feel obligated to stay until the end to get their money’s worth.
Hell that was one of the biggest reasons I staid with that mentor.
But this is…
So you’re sticking with a m/c who is not helping you and possibly making you worse?
How does that make sense?
And yes, I get the fact that you may be under a contract for a certain amount of time, and that payments to that m/c may be due over that time.
But if you’re not happy, why the hell would you still stay?
Especially if it’s making things worse?
Is it the money, or is it something deeper?
Chances are it’s both.
This is why I talk so much about knowing your identity. Because if you knew your identity, there’s no chance in hell that you would stay.
Even if you still had to make the payments.
If you are miserable with your m/c, not getting results, and they know it…. and wont allow you stop coaching with them or stop your payments….
Then they are truly not there to help you. They are there for themselves.
On the flip-side, maybe you should stay.
Now I know that’s the exact opposite of what I just said, but hear me out.
Many entrepreneurs mindsets and identities are just way off when working with a coach. They don’t see results because of their mindset and identity issues. This causes a lot of unhappiness and frustration between the m/c and the client. If that’s the case then you should really dig in with your m/c for a bit. See if they can truly help you work through that.
A good m/c will see that it’s a mindset and identity issue and will want to work on that with you.
Although a funny thing is many m/c’s rarely work on mindset and identity, only strategy and techniques. But that’s an article for another time.
So if you’ve worked through the mindset stuff with your m/c and have really given your all, and things aren’t working out, and you don’t resonate with them, then it’s probably best to jump ship.
A good m/c will understand, and will offer to still be there for help if you need it. Maybe even recommend someone else.
Other m/c’s may not really care.
Be aware that both the good and bad m/c’s may try to keep you to your contract financially (which you are legally obligated to). They have every right to.
But maybe sometimes it’s just worth paying the money to get out.
Maybe there’s a compromise you can make or can buy your way out of the contract for a reduced fee. I don’t know. That’s something you’d have to discuss with them.
They funny thing is, m/c’s who may be reading this may get a little upset with me. Because I’m sharing some ways on how to get out of coaching with them.
But ya know what?
If you’re an m/c and you are worried about your clients not being happy with you and, and you are not focusing on transforming their lives, then maybe you shouldn’t be a m/c!!!
An m/c’s job is not to make their client happy. Well, it is a little bit. But their real job is to…
TRANSFORM their lives.
That’s what they are being paid for.
So we all should really take a smart look at who we end up working with.
We should all look into what types of results the m/c’s can get us.
We should all look into their personality…
Their identity (are they who they say they are?)
And always ask ourselves if we resonate with them on a deeper level, not just a surface level?
Because it makes no sense to end up with a m/c who you don’t connect with. That can just end up making things worse.
This is YOUR life.
Don’t put it into the hands of someone who is going to make it worse.
And if you’re at the point where you’re are looking for a m/c…
Or if you’re unhappy with the m/c you have….
Or If you are looking for another one to help you find the happiness, and success you want…
Maybe there is some way I can help you find the right m/c.
Or we can work together.
Whatever works best for you.
If you think that maybe you’d like to work with me there’s something you should know.
I have to meet YOUR criteria first.
I know that’s backwards from what any other m/c would say. But this is your life. If you don’t feel I meet your criteria why would you want to work with me, or any other m/c for that matter?
Here are the criteria I need to meet for you ….
1) I have to resonate with you at a DEEPER level. Not just a surface level
2) You FEEL we have similar personalities, and mentalities.
3) you FEEL that I am authentic, and am in it for your best intentions
4) You FEEL I can get you results.
If I don’t meet those criteria for you then just hopping on the phone and or working with me would be a waste of your time.
But if you feel I do meet those criteria for you, and you would like to chat for a bit. All you need to do is just click the button below to get the ball rolling.
And remember, this is your life.
I am here to serve you.
To help you be happier…
To help you with your business, identity, and life.
So if this all sounds cool with you then let’s set up a time to chat by clicking the image below.